Pointing out bad lyrics in a tween fantasy Disney series feels like shooting fish in a barrel. But this quartet of movies features some of the most ridiculous wordsmithery I’ve ever heard. I’ve had this post sitting in my draft box for years. But the recent release of Descendants 4: Rise of Red raised the ante on bad Descendants lyrics and helped fill out this post.
These Descendants are not to be confused with the worthy California punk band of the same name. According to Wikipedia, “each film chronicles the lives of the teenage children of four Disney Villains on the Isle of the Lost, and their move to the kingdom of Auradon at the request of the teenage son of Queen Belle and King Beast.”
For the record, I don’t hate every piece of music from the franchise. ‘Chillin’ Like A Villain’, from Descendents 2, is a fine pop song.
10 Worst Descendants Lyrics
Descendants
The four descendants are the teenage children of Maleficent, the Evil Queen, Jafar, and Cruella de Vil.
Mal, Evie, Jay, and Carlos adjust to life outside their island prison.
Let’s start with some hyperbole…
#10
Did I Mention
I would give my kingdom for just one kiss
Followed by some understatement…
#9
My Once Upon a Time
Here you are alone, and you deserve it
Your friends have turned to stone
And that’s on you
Descendants 2
Perhaps the only fantasy movie where a 3D printer is a major plot device.
Mal turns her hair blonde.
Ursula’s daughter Uma is the main antagonist. Apparently, she’s dangerously attractive.
#8
What’s My Name
She’s the captain, I’m the first mate
Enemies seasick can’t see straight
Call ’em fish bait, throw ’em on a hook
Uma’s so hot they get burned if they looked
#7
Queen of Mean
And I won’t ever let another person take advantage of me
The anger burns my skin, third-degree
Now my blood’s boiling hotter than a fiery sea
There’s nobody getting close to me
They’re gonna bow to the Evil Queen
Your nightmare’s my dream
Just wait until they fall to my wicked schemes
#6
Evil Like Me
Don’t you wanna be heartless and hardened as stone?
Don’t you wanna be finger licking’ evil to the bone?
Descendants 3
It’s good to be bad. Especially for the Queen of Mean. But you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.
There’s a magic blue rock. And a magic green rock.
#5
My Once Upon a Time
This is not your mother’s dark desire
And no, it’s not your father’s hair on fire
#4
Get Your Hands Dirty
There are rules for a reason
Robin Hood (Yeah?)
Awesome guy (Yeah)
You’d agree?
But he stole for the poor
So you could then cross that line theoretically
I don’t know you anymore
#3
Fight of Our Lives
My kingdom back home needs to be saved
Give me the pocket watch or you’re getting slayed
You best behave
Tell your pack of cards I’m coming back to cut their deck
I could beat your evil army in a millisec
I’ll slice them up like cheddar
My mom won’t have forever
The clock is ticking and it’s time
Are you slicing them up like cheddar? Or cutting them up like confetti…..
#2
Night Falls
This could get a little sticky
How to win this battle could be tricky
……
All my soldiers stand at the ready
We can cut ’em up like confetti
Descendants 4
There’s a new generation of descendants.
There’s the daughter of Queen of Hearts and the daughter of Cinderella. And there’s also Jaladdin!
#1
Life is Sweeter
It’s Jasmine and Aladdin!
Call us Jaladdin
He’s like a magnet
She’s so attractive, it’s all fantastic
‘Cause we’re flying high together on a magic carpet ride
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This is great…I was hoping you would do this again. Rhyming Fantastic with Magnet is either very funny or very sad. I know these are written for tweens but couldn’t they get a decent lyricist?
Yeah, normally cheesy musicals have really witty, well-written lyrics. I wonder if the shoddy lyrics here help with the appeal. They’re not over the audience’s head.